Daughter of Troops

Today is a very sad day for our family. Mother passed away this morning.  Yesterday she had a bad reaction to some pain meds and that was horrible. I did not recognize her as she lay there .  She could see her grandmother and she was asking her to help her. She kept saying help me  grand-momma.  She was also calling for her own momma.  She would grab mine and Susan's hand and say make "holly golly go away."  We figured out she was talking about the pain. We told it to leave and she agreed it needed to go.  She was very child like and I believe she was a little girl in her mind.  I thank God for letting me see the innocence of her youth. She looked so sweet at times and would just smile so big. Her smile was truly captivating.  Today Susan and I got to be with her as she passed from this world. We know she is in heaven right now. That is price less to know that she is saved.  I will miss her !  She was the best mother she could be and I'm glad she gave me life.  She ...

My mind is so bogged down with thoughts that I'm not even sure were to begin.  I am OVERWHELMED ! Issue # 1  Today the doctor recommended mom for Hospice care. They came in and basically told me how to prepare for her death, how to say good bye.  I cannot wrap my mind around that right now.  She is saved and has peace with God, but it's not fair.  I'm clinging to hope for the life of a woman that I built so many walls around my whole life. I've blamed her for a lot of things that I became as I grew up. I have ask her to forgive me and she does and so does God but I'm sick with anguish over the whole situation. I saw myself feeling this way about dad. Now the way I sometimes feel about dad are unfamiliar.   Did I ever really know my parents ?  A lot of times I was mad at mother for certain things and felt like she was being difficult, sometimes she was but now I know sometimes she was covering for dad. Protecting his saintly persona. Just like me and just like Susan ...

I was thinking today about how I have been feeling lately. I got a visual of an ocean and I'm standing on the beach. I want to escape so I run as hard as I can towards the ocean .My speed and momentum take me out quite a ways then as I slow down I realize I am walking on quicksand not water and now I'm really far into it and cannot make my way back to the sand.  I feel completely out of control of my life. I need a life line before I'm in over my head.