My mind is so bogged down with thoughts that I'm not even sure were to begin.  I am OVERWHELMED !
Issue # 1  Today the doctor recommended mom for Hospice care. They came in and basically told me how to prepare for her death, how to say good bye.  I cannot wrap my mind around that right now.  She is saved and has peace with God, but it's not fair.  I'm clinging to hope for the life of a woman that I built so many walls around my whole life. I've blamed her for a lot of things that I became as I grew up. I have ask her to forgive me and she does and so does God but I'm sick with anguish over the whole situation. I saw myself feeling this way about dad. Now the way I sometimes feel about dad are unfamiliar.   Did I ever really know my parents ?  A lot of times I was mad at mother for certain things and felt like she was being difficult, sometimes she was but now I know sometimes she was covering for dad. Protecting his saintly persona. Just like me and just like Susan have done in our own marriages.  It is so ironic that I spent my life trying to make sure I was to the farthest extreme of different from her as I could possibly be and yet I was so much the same in some areas.  It seems like someone else's life  and not mine.
Issue # 2  my finances are out of sync.  Enough said on that subject
Issue # 3   Am I significant?
Issue # 4  My weight, my big, fat friggin weight problem !!  I don't even know where to begin because I'm so overwhelmed. What diet plan, how can I do this, when will I exercise, this seems impossible because I have so much to lose. I have cried out and ask for help so many times that now I'm embarrassed . I feel like such a failure. I want to live, I want to be healthy, I want to buy "normal" size clothes and have more than 2 pair of pants. I loath myself when it comes to this topic ! 
Issue # 5  I cry a lot and about anything
Issue # 6  Do I still belong at Bethel ?  I'v waited so long for them to reach out to me. Today someone responded to an e-mail and offered their support. I love to teach Children's church, but I want to do more out reach. I want to use buses and bring these kids in. Is Bethel the place to do that ?
Issue # 7  Too many issues
Issue's # 8, 9, and 10...  did I mention my weight? I want/ need a treadmill

Comments

Garcia House said…
I will pray for you that is for sure, You are the daughter of the most high... Take comfort in that we dont have all the answers about our parents health but know that GOod has us. No matter our size we have a voice and we have something to say and we are worthy of sitting at the right hand of God. Want to know why? Because God said so. NO MATTER OUR SIZE.... Love you Cyndi
also I did have to change my blog spot so I am glad you emailed me your blog
March 23, 2009 at 7:35 PM
Unknown said…
Thanks Cyndi, your such a blessing!
March 24, 2009 at 12:57 PM
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