pain

It has been a while since I've blogged. Not that I haven't had things to write about. Actually it is because there is so much I have felt overwhelmed. I was thinking about my brother, DeWayne and how his death came suddenly, without warning. It was shocking and we were forced to deal with it immediately. And mom, it was such a quick transition from being diagnosed with cancer and then death taking her. Both are hard things to go through emotionally. With my brother, there was no hope, no prayer could change it. It was final and I didn't get to vote. There were a lot of questions and there will never be any answers. With Mom, we had hope in God to heal her. She didn't want to live and prayed for God to take her home. He did, despite my pleas... Now, it is final and nothing can change it.
My sister is still fighting. She is the bravest person I have ever known in all my life. I again have hope that she will be healed and live a long and prosperous life. When my eyes gaze at her in the natural it is hard to hang onto that hope. Faith says I do not believe by my sight. My emotional battle is nothing to compare to what my brother, my mom, or my sister have battled, but dang..I'm hurting. God sends His love through friends that call to pray and ask if they can help in any way. I love my friends !
I feel like this is too hard to keep on going and yet I know, if not for God I could never have withstood any of this.
A friend told me that God had appointed and anointed me to be in this position for my family. Again, I didn't get to vote. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself or get sympathy from anyone, I just want to be real and say even Super Christians have pain. I don't always want to use my super hero cape to fly, sometimes I want to cover my head with it like Frodo and become invisible to the enemy. I don't want to watch my dad, my son, or my nephew hurt. I want so badly to fix this. That's what I do and I'm rendered helpless. It's like I'm screaming but no noise is coming out. I'm not Moses standing at the Red Sea with staff in hand opening up a way of escape. My emotions make me feel like a fake Christian, where is my faith? Please don't beat me over the head with the Bible, there are dozens of scriptures I can fill in blanks with, they're all good and all God. I'm not back sliding I just wanted to give a voice.

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