Ramblin' Rose

Today I'm dealing with a ton of pain. My heart is breaking . I cannot or don't want to believe that my sister is dead. I know she is with Jesus and that she no longer suffers, but I'm selfish and I want to talk to her. Who will I talk to when I say remember the time when we were little and mamma....... No one could relate to that but her or my brother. We had a really rough life growing up and due to our own choices adult life was often hard too. She doesn't have to struggle any more, I wonder does she still make decisions or have choices?
What will the holidays look like? I cannot possibly fill the shoes or her and mother, although I know I'll try. It will never ever be the same. I want to be healthy, I don't want to leave my son to deal with this mess of emotions that comes with this kind of loss. I cried out to my Savior, the only One that can and will help me. Jesus, I need you more than ever, please comfort me, hold me, ease my pain, remove the hurt, help me to live for real and not just fake it. I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm okay when they ask. I'm not okay! I'm sad beyond anything you could imagine, I'm frustrated that I cannot fix this or change it. I'm angry that she died and mean people live. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone to die, but if you looking for candidates I could name a few seemingly useless people. The funeral is tomorrow and I dread it so much, her husband's family will be there. they are loud people and have there share of drama queens and kings. I had to deal with them at the hospital and it was difficult. Anyhow, just was to ramble a bit.

Comments

Rachel said…
You were made for such a time as this. . . as much as it stinks and hurts. You were made to let your light so shine before men that all men would be drawn near to God. Don't enter into the drama and the mess of his life. Your sister was an amazing woman & focus on that.

It's ok to grieve. It's ok to miss her. It's ok to feel all of these things. You are human. God will work it out.

I am so sorry.
November 3, 2009 at 11:41 AM
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