Phase #1

Well my kids just left for home. I always cry because I love them so much, I love being a mom! This has been a really great Christmas. We spent a lot of time just enjoying each other, playing games, talking, sharing our lives. It took our being relational to remind me I need to be more relational with God. I have gotten very relaxed and lazy in spending time with my Father. This holiday has in many ways been a reflection of the past 25 plus years of my life. I have made many bad decisions in my life. I'm not going to pound myself in the ground . God told me this year my Word is "GRACE" I need to embrace it. I have to have balance with it too, no pie in the sky stuff. Be real.
I've made some vows in my head, I've made some decisions, in my head. That is the problem, they are in my head and I have not committed to any of them. I need a plan that I can be okay with and this is where it gets hard because I also have to trust God for the things I cannot figure out. So okay, I guess I'm gonna put this in print, that is risky because it is out loud, but here goes. I'm not going to stay in this marriage. Sometimes it takes being around people that are living to realize that you are not!
Someone recently told me that Kevin was like a cancer. That really hit home since I'm well aware of the devastation Cancer can cause. Cancer sucks the life out of you, it feeds on your life sustaining blood until you have no life. I'm not comparing my dilemma to those that have fought the disease, my situation does not compare to the pain and hard work of the heros that have and are fighting it. But Kevin takes any joy I have and eats it. He sucks the air out of a room. He is the most selfish person I have ever known in my life . Leaving again entails a lot of things. I still have to make a house payment. He will not leave until the sheriff sets him out and they will probably have to arrest him. Once he knows it's over the whole house payment will be up to me. It is my credit on the line and I have worked really hard to establish it.
Regardless though I need a plan, I need to start with the emotional aspect and get some Christian leadership involved. I have isolated myself and I need to knock down that wall. Next week I'm back in church. That is priority number 1. From there I'm not sure. I know I will have to sell the house and I'm totally okay with that but I fear the market will not support that decision. Anyhow, just some random venting.
Task #1: Back to church and back in life group
#2: Establish relationships with Godly people
#3: Seek counseling with Cindy and become accountable
This is phase#1 . I'm not sure how long it will take, but the important thing is that I get on the road. Time to put on the whole Armor of God and get out my big girl boots!

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