I Choose Life

Lately I have been hanging out with my ex husband again. I had done this over and over for the past 31 years. Sometimes I marry him only to divorce him again. Why do I keep going back?  It is still a mystery to me although I have some glimpses of insight here and there. What is going on in my life; in my relationships with God and friends I need to determine to completely surrender everything and nothing less!

  One of the things that draws me in is that Kevin tells me he has changed, that this time he really does see the err of his ways. When he does this my fairy tale dreams spin with delight, the birds sing, Gus Gus wants to make me a dress and all seven of the dwarfs champion around me. But it is only surface and has no depth , just words. 
Reading in the Passion this morning, Psalm 92, “v7, It’s true the wicked flourish, but only for a moment, foolishly forgetting their destiny with death that they will one day be destroyed forevermore. Your anointing has made me strong and mighty. You have empowered my life for triumph by pouring fresh oil over me! You’ve said that those lying in wait to pounce on me would be defeated, and now it has happened right in front of my eyes and I’ve heard their cries of surrender.”   My flesh has been my enemy. His cries have been “I’ve changed let me back into your world.”
I’m not blaming him for anything I’m going through. All my choices have been MY choices.  I am discovering that his cries of surrender are not in surrender to God.  He does not enter my world, I Ieave mine and enter his. UGH, such an ugly truth right there.   Verse 6 says”Such amazing mysteries found in every miracle that nearly everyone seems to miss, Those with no discernment can never really discover the deep and glorious secrets hidden in your ways!”  The miracle in all of this is I am seeing God’s goodness. He is saving me from utter destruction if I will only follow His Spirit and not my flesh, my emotions. Renew my mind Lord, create in me a clean heart. Help me to remember Lord that You have made me strong and mighty. Help me Lord so that when my flesh cries out that You have told me not to have pity on my enemy.
Am I hanging onto hurt feelings?  Am I cherishing how they make me feel? These uncomfortable pangs are distractions from feeling the real emotions associated with grief that can be hard to face. Yes, it is a death. Death to my hopes, dreams, beliefs, and lies. Death to the plans for my future. Death to wrong decisions. Death to the misplaced guilt I feel about hurting someone else by being the one to make the decision to end it.  Death to blame. It took both of us to arrive at this place and to quote Dr. Romance, “Blame does not look cute on anyone.” 
I need to quit second guessing my decision to end it and learn to trust the person that I was in the moment I made the decision. There was a reason I decided, don’t forget that. It’s not reliving the past or digging up a dead horse, but remembering that something inside of me cried out ENOUGH!  
I need to remember that the Lord told me, I’m an overcomer. Psalm 139 SAYS He has gone into my future and prepared the way and in His kindness followed behind me to spare me the harm of my past. How can I fail? 
“You saw who You created me to be even before I was me” Psalm 139  I love that verse!
I choose life.....There will be grief for the death of things but it will be ok!  The great Gloria Gaynor sang “I will Survive”
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me
Go on now, go, walk out the door


Time now to gather with friends and family care about me and share my world with God.  We will all get through our griefs together with the Lord by our sides. I declare No weapon formed against us shall prosper. I speak blessing over Kevin and pray he will find his place in the Kingdom. I choose to forgive but never forget Who I am and Where I belong. 

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