Daughter of Troops

I thought about calling this "things I have learned from my dog."  I'm referencing the way she (Maggie) loves to dig holes. When she digs she is in a fury, slinging dirt everywhere. She recently decided to dig a hole right next to my flower bed that is teaming with beautiful purple Wondering Jew. Much of it became covered in the dirt hiding it beauty and causing it to be weighed down. I realized how much this reflects my life's current state. I started out just kicking a little dirt around aka allowing things and people back into my life that had formally been shut out. It was fun, fresh and I felt in control, but the more dirt I moved the more it resembled a hole. The dirt began to pile up on things I once held dear. Most notable was my authentic self. Once the hole was deep enough I could see where I was losing my freedom.  The dirt had weighed be down and caused me to bend low in order to sustain the weight (burdens) now piled on me. My once br...

AWAKE A few weeks ago I traveled out of town. Just a three hour drive but long stretches of highway and sometimes being the only vehicle on the road. At times a vehicle would speed past me and shake me from my lull for a moment.  There is a phrase I heard recently called “highway hypnosis”.  Here is the Wikipedia definition: Highway hypnosis , also known as white line fever, is a mental state in which a person can drive a truck or other automobile great distances, responding to external events in the expected, safe and correct manner with no recollection of having consciously done so.    I realize I have at times lived my life this way.  Just going through the motions, doing what is expected of me without any conscious awareness of what it is doing to me.  I can “drive” for hundreds of miles (weeks, months, years) mesmerized by the white lines. I’ve often said referring to certain routes, “I have traveled this route so many times I could drive it bl...

There is an alley behind my place of employment . All along the back of our building are trash dumpsters and utility poles. There are two pretty massive speed bumps along this alley way. It is littered with pot holes and divides our property from some quadraplexes.  I take this route to work 3 to 4 days a week. I know where the pot holes and the speed bumps are located. The speed bumps are so large that I have to slow my car down to a crawl to ease over them and not cause damage to my car. Two times last week I hit that speed first speed bump without ever slowing down. The hit was pretty traumatic . I did the same thing a few days later and was so shocked. I couldn't believe it happened again. What is going on I wondered. I have driven this route hundreds of times, I knew they were there, what is wrong with me? I drove on to work feeling stupid. The next day I drove the route again, but this time I stopped before I got to the speed bump so I could...

What have you done today to make you feel proud? Now before you start throwing religious darts at me and tell me pride is my problem, hear me out. I'm not talking about selfish, self promoting proud. I'm talking about taking a stand for what you believe in and what your believing for. This song so describes my journey in all areas of my life right now. My core beliefs are changing. Beliefs about who i am and how God sees me. Beliefs about break through and this walk we call life.  While my spirit man is growing and being redefined so is my physical. I'm starting to believe in myself and although I have been here before, this is so different. I'm not revved up by  this new thing everyone else is doing or someone else cheering me on, not to say people aren't for me and encouraging me, but I have something inside of me that has been brought to life. Maybe for the first time ever I'm starting to know "me". The me God created me to be, the me He says He...

Lately I have been hanging out with my ex husband again. I had done this over and over for the past 31 years. Sometimes I marry him only to divorce him again. Why do I keep going back?  It is still a mystery to me although I have some glimpses of insight here and there. What is going on in my life; in my relationships with God and friends I need to determine to completely surrender everything and nothing less!   One of the things that draws me in is that Kevin tells me he has changed, that this time he really does see the err of his ways. When he does this my fairy tale dreams spin with delight, the birds sing, Gus Gus wants to make me a dress and all seven of the dwarfs champion around me. But it is only surface and has no depth , just words.  Reading in the Passion this morning, Psalm 92, “v7, It’s true the wicked flourish, but only for a moment, foolishly forgetting their destiny with death that they will one day be destroyed forevermore. Your anointing has made...

During this last year or so I’ve been on a journey that includes purging my household items.  I have run across many things that I had completely forgotten about.  In fact, so many things that it caused me to Seleh ,  pause and think about it.   Now, I have been journaling since I was able to write. It has always been an outlet for me to express myself with out having to be vocal or confrontational. I even got in BIG trouble once when my mom went snooping and read that I had taken up smoking because it relieved the stress of my 14 year old nerves that had become tattered because of her. Needless to say, I have dozens of journals. So as I’m cleaning I run across a box of them and decided it would be enlightening to see how far I had come on this journey called life.  I realized after a while that many of these journals weren’t complete, they had lots of blank pages.  Then I noticed that many of these same journals all started the same way. They eac...

Over the holidays I updated my phone.  This new version has more bells and whistles and with a new plan, many more Apps are available.  I was searching through all the Apps to see is there was something I might me missing out on. There are apps  for living a healthy life style, price comparisons, smiley faces that say what you mean with a look or a dance. Ones that track you steps and measure your stride and the list goes on and on. As I scrolled through I saw a parallel in my mind of the Bible. I felt the Lord saying there are Apps in there too.   Wowzer, (yes,I used that word) when is the last time I searched the Apps for new things? Or better yet, when is the last time I just did an update? How often do I just read the Word and not apply it?  Time for search and apply

it's been a long time since I have posted anything.  The Lord has been stirring me to begin writing again so here it goes.  I bought a treadmill  2 months ago and have not used it.  Today that changed. I drove it to the ground for 10 minutes. I know that sounds minuscule but my life is sedentary and 10 minutes is a major accomplishment. It is that first step that must be taken!  I have a sugar addiction.  I'm asking the Lord to show me what I truly need when I have craving for food outside of hunger. I have a Pepsi addiction too and that is my first target. I feel absolutely strong because I did something.

Lioness week 2 There is a difference between awakening as a lioness and awakening a lioness If there ever comes a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known. Matthew Arnold, 19th Century British Poet and Philosopher We have apprehended the gravity of our time and laid aside our doctrinal differences in order to join ranks and make a difference. **Celebrate the differences.** Fact:  A lion’s maximum speed is 30 miles per hour.  A lion’s jump is 12 feet vertical and 36 feet horizontal. It is time to change the way we see things. It is not enough to look solely at who we are. We must look at women in the past the present and the future.   It is time to enlarge the way we see and interact with so many areas of life. We need to stretch. Stretch happens when tension, flex or strain is added to a muscle group.  An ability to stretch can produce ...

Is it possible that God thinks you’re destined for more? What excuses hold you back? Are you tired of revisiting the pain of your past, tired of pretending? You see yourself as mom, wife, ex-wife, friend, maid, taxi, chief cook and bottle washer, but to God you are simply DAUGHTER. Fact:  Lionesses hunt together **Psalm 19:1; Psalm 50:6 and Psalm 97:6      “The wild, fierce beauty of creation is but a window that offers a glimpse of the God who created us.  We need to throw open this window and allow God’s untamed, limitless beauty to awaken a heavenly awe within us.  As we open our eyes to the wonder of creation, it arouses a God yearning. Our spirit will respond to what it sees. Creation declares, there is more!!! More than what you see. More than what you hear!” and I’ll add, more than what you know, than what you feel or taste. More than you could even imagine!  The wonder of God’s love and the extent to which he will impart hid wisd...

I recently heard from my first husband after hearing nothing for 34 years.  It was a bad break up. He cheated many times and then ask for a divorce. I was only 18 and it absolutely crushed me and my dreams. He contacted me to be a friend on Facebook  and I accepted . We wrote back and forth after exchanging emails and I told him I forgave him. While it is true that I did forgive him, I have come to realize that the past is always the past. We no longer know one another and apparently I never knew him. The only thing we have in common now is the past. It is a painful place and it can only take me back to where I have already been. It is buried and digging up stinking and rotting things only leaves an undesirable foul stench in my nostrils.  So I unfriended him after catching him in a lie.  I made a choice that was good for me. I usually do whatever I think will make the other person happy even if it makes me miserable. Today I stretched and grew a little.  I h...

What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion......Ha, you were singing it weren't you?  Well, Tina Turner, love has everything to do with it. It is not just an emotion. God is love. Because He is love , I am love having been created in His image and therefore, I love because I am love and I am loved  It is the foundation of our very being. Without love we would not exist.  We use the word love so casually , it loses it's meaning. I love my car, I love Mexican food ect. While it may be true I really like those things I don't love them. We are to love one another. Love is vulnerable, it is able to stand naked before you in truth and not feel judged, ashamed or dishonored. It is truth in it's purest form.  I love my friends! I am blessed to have among my friends many people who walk in this love. They are the most realistic people I know.  Because of that, I am allowed to become more mature and grow into that love. You know who ...

THUNDER THIGHS....thats right I put it in print. I never considered that I had them until today. You see yesterday I went to the gym with two friends and we walked on the treadmill for 45 minutes, then we got the bright idea to try the 20 station circuit workout. I mean after all we just walked 2 miles, we are now seasoned professionals. Afterwards we were proud we had pushed ourselves to the limits. Today, not so much. Let me just say this, aghhhhhhh. I hurt! My thighs have not seen that much action in years and the term "thunder" comes from the immense pain radiating from my extremities. What was I thinking ? Well, I was thinking I'm tried of being tired, tired of this weight battle, tired of how I look and I want to be healthy.  That's why I did it, that's why I'm suffering today. It will be worth it if I stay at it. Consistency is the key!  So I have decided to invite folks into my battle, surely there are others that want freedom too. I want to meet at...

September 03, 2012 It's been a really long time since I've written and so much has happened.  Loss of family members, spouse, friends, identity. This picture is how I feel my life is right now. Run down, broken in some places, sinking in others. I'm almost positive that I'm depressed. I'm afraid of cancer...it's hard to even write the word out in print. I'm sad most of the time and feel like I'm going no where. I'm lonely and I sleep a lot. My eating is completely out of control. I'm lazy and generally unhappy. I'm also spending money like a crazy woman. I need help!

this week I took an opportunity to read through journals dating all the way back to 1996. I'm sad to say that many of the excerpts a decade ago could read as though it was today. Over and over and over patterns repeated. Lessons never learned, pits deepened with glimpses of light scattered here and there. A lot of self loathing....feel that way right now. I need more help than I can even grasp . I must be free of this! I don't want to wait until I get to heaven to experience freedom . I want it now. On earth as it is in heaven. How do I obtain it?

This morning I keep hearing the Lord say; "Daughter, you are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. You are not second best. You are first place and not last resort. Do not settle for crumbs. Come up to My table and dine with me. Look in My eyes and see your reflection. Humans are clumsy and careless with their words. Hear my voice only. Keep your ear pressed here against my heart that beats for you. I have chosen you, just keep choosing Me. I love you. I've always loved you. Your not alone, I am here. " There is a musical instruments that has what is called sympathetic strings. When the string feels a note coming that is the same as them, they begin to vibrate. I feel like the Lord wants me, all of us, so in tune with Him that when He breathes we begin to vibrate, when He moves; we move. Here I am Lord, make me your instrument, create in me new songs. You make me relevant!

Today I changed my social security and my driver's license back to my maiden name. I'm cutting all ties with my former life. Someone said, "Oh, you get to be you again." I've always been me, but today I'm a different me. I ran across some pictures a doctor took of me when I was abused some 20 years ago. The outer marks are long gone with no evidence of their existence. God has healed as much of the inner marks as I have allowed. I cannot go back and change the past few years, they are as much a part of me as today was. I can't go back and reclaim the "me" I was supposed to be. I can only move forward and be the "me" of today. Today I move forward with new insight and new victories in overcoming obstacles that kept me from being the best me possible. Today I purpose to be closer to God. I'm through with being pushed back and I am pressing on into the Upper Court in Christ. I have love to share, wisdom to share and God has ...

Time is going by so fast, this season is at an accelerated pace. The Lord is dealing with me on several levels. I 'm just coming out of a season of waiting and moved into a season of empowerment. The Lord told me to quit disqualifying myself . God is so good and I'm so happy to be back on the right road again. Dang, what a detour! Kevin finally agreed to sign the divorce decree and pay a very small amount towards the very large credit card debt. I know that God will continue to be faithful and meet all my needs. The house is the next thing that needs to be dealt with. I just proclaim that it will sell in this new month. It is 162 days today until the cruise. I am so excited about it. God's face has surely shined upon me. My journey to better health is well under way. I start walking with a friend tomorrow and incorporating the dreaded E (exercise) word into my life. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! 1 Corinthians 9:17 " For if I do this thi...

Yesterday, on the way to Abilene from B aird it began to sprinkle here and there but nothing to even turn my wipers on. I went to Wal-Mart on my way home to grab a few items I needed. I spent quiet a bit of time searching out my items and getting them into my basket. I went back to lawn and garden to check out and there was a line but not like the ones inside the store. I waited behind a couple whose little boy kept pretending to shoot me. I played along and acted as though I felt the shot and grabbed my chest in pain. He was thrilled and dragged out his other hand for a double shot. I wanted to pull out my play gun and say now what, but he was young and I didn't want to make him cry. lol All that being said, the wind began to pick up and soon it was like a tornado was above us. Pots and plants and wind chimes were hurled around the area. Dirt and debre were flying into out hair and eyes. Little Junior John Wayne was now crying and his mom was freaking out . There was thunde...

A lot has happened in the month since I last blogged. I left Kevin and filed for divorce. It was very hard to do and required the most intense focus I have ever experienced in my life. I'm dealing with a lot of emotional things right now. Some I did not expect. I never expected to miss him, but I do. The Lord reminded me of when I had major surgery a few years ago, it was so painful and left me vulnerable and in the hospital for 3 long weeks. I thought the pain would never go away and the wound would never heal. The Lord told me at the time that one day I woud look back on this time and soon it would be a memory. It is now. There are times that I feel little (sometimes BIG) pains from the surgery area. Most times they pass quickly but on occasion they do linger for a few days. Nevertheless they end. All that to say, so will this pain. It is temporary and will soon be gone. Life will be differant, better, and it will go on. I am discovering strengths that I have had all along, but t...